Do you engage in 'boomerasking' behavior in small talk?

A common conversational behavior called "boomerasking," where people ask questions only to redirect attention back to themselves, undermines genuine dialogue and social connections, according to a study published in the Wall Street Journal on Jan. 21.

In her study, Alison Wood Brooks explains that the phenomenon often plays out in everyday exchanges. A typical scenario unfolds when someone asks about weekend plans, receives a brief response, and then immediately launches into describing their own elaborate activities, like going to a lake house for a massive bonfire or attending a medieval fair to use their homemade trebuchet.

Boomerasking describes a pattern in which someone asks a question, lets their conversation partner respond, and then immediately shifts the focus to sharing their own experience rather than engaging with the response.

The behavior emerges from people attempting to achieve two contradictory goals simultaneously: showing interest in others while creating opportunities for self-disclosure. While sharing personal information can build trust and closeness, Boomerasking undermines the genuine connection-building potential of asking questions.

According to Brooks, between 40 and 60% of conversational statements focus on the speaker's own experiences, feelings, or opinions. This self-centered tendency increases to 80% of communications on social media platforms.

Sharing personal information activates the same brain regions that respond to rewards like food and attractive faces. People use self-disclosure strategically to shape others' impressions, attempting to present themselves as smart, confident, kind, or interesting.

Since social norms discourage obvious self-promotion, people develop indirect methods of drawing attention to themselves. These tactics include humblebragging, where someone embeds self-promotion within a complaint. "My hand hurts from signing so many autographs," Brooks writes as an example.

Name-dropping represents another indirect self-promotion tactic, such as casually mentioning "having dinner with Zuck over the weekend." Some people employ backhanded compliments, offering praise while subtly asserting superiority, like telling an intern their ideas were "pretty good, for an intern."

Boomerasking particularly damages conversation because it corrupts question-asking. During conversation, people can show interest by asking questions, acknowledging different viewpoints, validating emotions, or responding directly to previous statements.

According to the study, when someone fails to follow up on their conversation partner's answer and instead responds with their own story, it signals that they may not have been genuinely interested when they asked the question.

Human egocentrism, while helpful for survival, can undermine social interactions. People focus persistently on their own perspective, which helps them survive but creates barriers with others, Brooks explains.

The study examines how people navigate the social norm that conversations should involve give-and-take. While sharing about oneself feels good and can bring people closer, when another person shares their perspective, the focus should remain on them.

Brooks illustrates how subtle conversational choices affect relationship quality through examples like discussing weekend plans or professional achievements. While self-disclosure serves important functions in building trust and closeness, she emphasizes the importance of demonstrating genuine interest in others' responses.

The study concludes that question-asking, when done sincerely, represents one of the easiest and most powerful pathways to shared understanding and interpersonal connection. However, Boomerasking ruins this potential by prioritizing self-expression over authentic engagement.