Caught in the paper trap: 7 signs you're being paperclipped

In today's digital dating world, ghosting is old news. The newest toxic behavior plaguing singles is something called "paperclipping" - and chances are you've already been a victim without even realizing it. Named after Microsoft's annoying Clippy assistant, paperclipping is when someone resurfaces in your texts months after disappearing, offering no explanation for their absence. 

"Paperclipping is a new term for an age-old behavior that has allowed people to increase their sense of worth by feeding on superficial, intermittent connection – and the emotional responses of others," explains clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly.

While flattering at first to have an old dating prospect pop up again, paperclipping is actually an immature and harmful behavior stemming from the perpetrator's deep insecurities. Here are 7 telltale signs you're being paperclipped so you can cut them off before getting reeled back in.

1. The Lengthy Lag in Communication

The biggest red flag is receiving a text out of the blue from someone you went on a few dates with many months ago after they went AWOL without a word. Illustrator Samantha Rothenberg, who popularized the term paperclipping, describes it as "You meet someone and perhaps date a bit, then you are ghosted. After some random amount of time, you receive a text or call asking how you are."

This period of silence and no communication can last weeks or even many months before the paperclip offender decides to resurface. The longer the lag, the more glaring the red flag—any reasonable, mature person would provide an explanation after going No-Contact for an extended period.

2. Their Return is Never Explained

When the paperclipper inevitably slides back into your DMs, they'll act like their extended absence never even happened. "There is never an explanation for the disappearance or reappearance," notes Rothenberg. Don't expect any accountability, remorse, or attempt to make amends - just that same casual, over-familiar tone trying to reel you back in like no time has passed.

This refusal to acknowledge their rude behavior is a hallmark of the paperclipping phenomenon. A well-adjusted person would apologize and provide context for dropping off the face of the earth. But the paperclipper has no intention of taking responsibility.

3. The Message Is Surface-Level 

Along with no mention of where they've been, the paperclipped message itself will be meaningless small talk like "How are you?" or "What's up?" Says Manly, "The contact will have the tone of 'Hey! I'm back! Don't forget about me! I'm special.'" There's no interest in catching up on a sincere personal level. They're just looking to get a reaction out of you to stroke their own ego and see if you're still on the hook.

4. It Follows a Pattern

If this is your first experience being paperclipped, consider yourself lucky - for many serial paperclippers, this hot and cold behavior is their calling card. "I have met people on dating sites that continually do this, and in fact, seem not to want a relationship," says Rothenberg. "When asked, they will respond that they are unsure about a relationship. So they meet people, disappear, and then show back up."

By paying close attention, you'll likely realize this person has paperclipped you (and others) many times before in an endless cycle of pursuit and withdrawal. It's a toxic pattern enabled by online dating.

5. The Conversation Fizzles Out

After that initial meaningless check-in from the paperclipper, don't expect much else to come from it. Maybe you'll exchange a few more messages, but it will quickly become clear they are not actually interested in re-engaging on any real level or making future plans. Their goal was just to get that hit of validation and attention from your response.

Even if you make an effort to restart the conversation, the paperclipper will go ghost again before long. They simply have no intention of investing any real time and effort into a lasting connection. The cycle will just repeat itself a few months down the line.

6. You Feel Violated and Confused

Being paperclipped can take an emotional toll, even if you're no longer interested in that person romantically. "The person being paperclipped may feel violated, irritated, or highly confused," says Manly. "It generally does not feel good to have a former dating partner reappear out of nowhere; this can induce anxiety and stress."   

Having someone you were intimate with treat you as disposable and unimportant can chip away at your self-worth. Why did they feel so entitled to my time and attention? Was I not good enough? These are just some of the mind games paperclipping can inspire in its victims.  

7. The Chance for a Real Future Is Ruined  

By pulling this shady disappearing act repeatedly, the paperclipper burns the bridge to any potential real relationship - not that they were ever sincerely interested in one. As Rothenberg bluntly states, "Much like the boy who cried wolf, it is impossible to believe a paperclipper if they are finally actually serious."

Even if they do have an epiphany down the line about wanting something more committed, you simply won't be able to trust their intentions after being mistreated for so long. All respect and attraction has been decimated by their mind games. The yo-yo behavior has permanently damaged the potential for a sincere, trustworthy bond to form.

So, what's motivating this toxic paperclipping phenomenon? According to the experts, it stems from severe commitment issues and fear of intimacy. "Paperclipping is generally a sign that the individual is emotionally immature and unable to engage in a meaningful relationship," explains Manly. The disappearing act allows them to bail before things get too deep and real, while the resurfacing gives them an ego boost from your reaction and validation that they can still get your attention.

The solution for breaking this cycle is simple: Do not reward paperclippers by engaging with them when they inevitably circle back into your life. "Do not respond to their messages," advises licensed clinical social worker Megan Cannon. "Remember that they are just looking to engage with you in any way. They are looking for a response or a reaction. If your first thought is something other than delete, you are letting them win by giving them your energy."

In the end, paperclipping hurts both parties, even if you think you can handle their games. For your own self-respect and healing, cut those toxic ties completely. As Rothenberg advises: "Block the person's number, or simply delete the messages when they come in. Think of this as putting down the yo-yo." Showing them the cold, hard truth that their manipulative ploys don't work anymore may be the wake-up call they need to finally address their deeper fears sabotaging real intimacy.