Do Mom and Dad really know what’s best? A psychologist explains why kids see their parents as bossier than they are

Right now, your brain is undergoing remarkable growth. Starting around 10 years old, there’s a flurry of activity in what’s called the subcortical regions of your brain – a scientific term for the brain’s inner core. These parts of the brain are associated with emotions like anger, anxiety and defensiveness.

Are you feeling those emotions pretty regularly these days? If so, congratulations! You are 100% normal.

As you get older, your brain’s outer regions will become more developed, too. The last bit to mature is right behind your forehead, in an area called the prefrontal cortex. That area is associated with the ability to understand how someone else feels, and to put yourself in their shoes.

Experts who study brain development call this skill “perspective-taking.” It means that when you’re reprimanded for breaking the rules – for example, by staying out late – you don’t lash out defensively. Instead, you acknowledge that the person doing the reprimanding is worried or scared, or simply looking out for you.

Seeing life from another perspective

For adults, this perspective-taking can be really hard. For teens, I’m sorry to say, it’s even harder. That’s because your prefrontal cortex simply hasn’t finished developing yet; it won’t be fully functional until about age 25.

Your teenage brain currently allows you to do many incredible things, but you are biologically inclined to see life from your own perspective and struggle to understand why other people act the way they do.

In other words, your perceptions of your parents as bossy are based on the abilities of your yet-to-be fully developed brain. Meanwhile, what is fully developed is the part of your brain associated with those big emotions. That’s a tough combination.

A final note: You might think that your parents “always act like they know what’s best,” but, in my parenting research, it’s clear that they’re often unsure how to handle certain situations. Over 40% of the parents in my last study shared self-critical thoughts about how they’re doing as a parent. In other words, they’re struggling, too.

If you can, give your parents a break – and maybe even a hug.

Hello, curious kids! Do you have a question you’d like an expert to answer? Ask an adult to send your question to CuriousKidsUS@theconversation.com. Please tell us your name, age and the city where you live.

And since curiosity has no age limit – adults, let us know what you’re wondering, too. We won’t be able to answer every question, but we will do our best.

Annie Pezalla does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.