Helicopter Parenting vs. Hummingbird Parenting: Finding the right balance

Modern parenting styles are shifting from constant supervision to strategic support as new research reveals the downsides of overprotective parenting approaches.

The once-popular helicopter parenting style faces growing scrutiny as child development experts point to the benefits of a more measured approach called hummingbird parenting. While both approaches stem from a desire to support and nurture children, they differ significantly in execution and impact. Understanding these styles can help parents navigate their roles more effectively and foster healthier, more independent children.

Research labels were identified back in the 1960s by Diana Baumrind, a clinical and developmental psychologist. The three distinct approaches to child-rearing under the 'classic' label are authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive parenting. These research-based categories examined how parents balance demands with emotional support. While authoritarian parents focus on strict obedience and permissive parents avoid confrontation, authoritative parents combine clear boundaries with emotional responsiveness. 

Understanding Helicopter Parenting

Helicopter parenting is a term that describes parents who are overly involved in their children's lives, hovering nearby to monitor and intervene in nearly every situation. This style can manifest in various ways, from micromanaging homework assignments to controlling social interactions. The intention behind this behavior is often rooted in love and concern; parents want to protect their children from failure and hardship.

While helicopter parents can offer children a structured environment with guidance, this approach can have unintended consequences. A recent study published in the National Library of Medicine shows that children raised under this umbrella may struggle with mental health such as anxiety and depression. Data from the National Survey of Children's Health shows a 20% increase in diagnosed anxiety for children (aged 6–17 years old) between 2007 and 2012. Another study found a 63% increase in depression from 2009 to 2017 for young adults aged 18-25 years old. As their autonomy and decision-making are hindered, they might become overly reliant on their parents for direction as indicated in this study.

Helicopter parenting may also affect the self-esteem and resilience of children. The constant intervention may prevent children from valuable learning experiences that come from facing challenges independently. This dynamic can create a cycle where children feel incapable of navigating the world without parental assistance.

The Rise of Hummingbird Parenting

In contrast, hummingbird parenting takes a more balanced approach. Hummingbird parents keep a close watch on their children but are careful to allow them the freedom to explore and make mistakes. They act like hummingbirds, flitting in and out of their children's lives, providing support when needed but stepping back to allow for independence.

“We need to be developmentally sensitive so that we gradually back off as they grow older. This allows them to practice using freedom in responsible ways and to meet their intrinsic need for autonomy. We want to avoid doing things for them that they can (or should) do themselves,” says Dr. Mike Brooks, a licensed psychologist from Austin, Texas, in a blog on Psychology today. 

Hummingbird parents encourage their children to accomplish new endeavors without succumbing to the fear of failure, as they understand that failure is a part of growth and learning. These parents prioritize honest conversations. They create a safe space for children to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. Instead of solving every problem, hummingbird parents provide guidance and support, allowing their children to develop problem-solving skills independently.

The Balance Between the Two Styles

Finding the right parenting style is not about choosing one method over the other; it's about striking a balance. Both helicopter and hummingbird parenting have their merits and pitfalls. The key is to understand when to hover and when to flit.

“Parenting doesn't fit neatly into clearly delineated categories. At different times, situations, with different children, and ages of the children, the same parent is likely to adjust his/her demandingness/responsiveness. Moreover, if multiple caregivers are involved, different parenting styles are likely to come into play,” adds Dr. Brooks, in the blog.  

There are moments in a child's life when hovering is appropriate. For example, children may benefit from extra guidance during significant transitions, such as starting school or navigating a new social environment. In these cases, being a "helicopter" parent can help ease anxiety and provide necessary support.

Conversely, as children grow and develop, they need space to explore their interests and make mistakes. This is where hummingbird parenting shines. Allowing children the freedom to navigate their own paths fosters self-confidence and encourages them to become proactive problem solvers.

Recognizing Your Parenting Style

Self-awareness is crucial in parenting. As parents looking to raise healthy, independent, and mindful individuals, it is important to understand the key differences between these parenting styles and switch between them depending on the situation.

Given a situation, the choices exhibited by a parent can help identify the 'label' one tends to lean towards - a high level of control stemming from anxiety and a desire to avoid/prevent mistakes is the signature of a helicopter parent while allowing the child to make an independent decision and learn from them in case of failure while offering balanced emotional support is a clear indication of a hummingbird parent. 

Creating a Supportive Environment

Creating an environment that promotes growth and independence is essential regardless of your predominant parenting style. Here are some strategies to consider as explained by Dr. Susan Landers, MD, neonatologist:

1. Set Clear Expectations: Communicate your expectations while allowing your child to define their own goals. This gives them the structure they need without feeling stifled.

2. Encourage Problem-Solving: Ask guiding questions that help your child think through challenges instead of providing solutions. This promotes critical thinking and resilience.

3. Celebrate Independence: Acknowledge and celebrate your child's achievements, no matter how small. Positive reinforcement boosts confidence and encourages further independence.

4. Model Healthy Boundaries: Show your child the importance of balancing involvement with independence. This teaches them to respect boundaries in their own relationships.

Undoubtedly, parenting is a journey filled with unique challenges and rewards. Self-introspection can empower you to facilitate a healthy, supportive environment for your child. By balancing guidance and independence, you can help your child grow into a confident, resilient individual capable of navigating the complexities of life.

According to resilience expert Deborah Gilboa, MD, of Ask Doctor G, “Remembering to look for opportunities to take one step back from solving our child's problems will help us build the resilient, self-confident kids we need.”