Late night pickups replace traditional sleepovers in many homes

As social values evolve, so do parenting practices. A new trend called "sleepunders" or "lateovers" is challenging the traditional notion of childhood sleepovers across the United States.

In this emerging practice, parents opt to pick up their children before bedtime instead of allowing them to spend the entire night at a friend's house. This shift raises questions about the motivations behind the change and its impact on children.

Erica Komisar, a New York-based psychoanalyst and parenting expert, explains that sleepunders aren't necessarily a sign of overprotective parenting. "They're particularly helpful for younger kids or those who have separation anxiety or who are sensitive to sleep or transition issues," Komisar said.

The trend stems from parents' desire to protect their children from potential harm in unfamiliar environments. Nicholette Leanza, a psychotherapist at LifeStance Health in Beechwood, Ohio, highlights parental concerns: "The fears that there may be guns in the home, or that a child may become a potential victim of sexual abuse, are enough to make any parent uneasy about letting their kid spend the night elsewhere."

Neha J., a New York mother who requested her last name be withheld for privacy, exemplifies this cautious approach. She and her husband have a strict no-sleepover policy for their 9-year-old daughter. "We typically pick up our daughter around 11 p.m. or the latest the host family will allow," she said. "So she can feel like she is getting a sleepover without actually spending the night."

While sleepunders may alleviate parental anxieties, they can impact children differently. Leanza noted, "Some kids may prefer to sleep in their own beds, so they don't mind being picked up. But others may feel embarrassed that they aren't allowed to spend the night and that they're different from their peers."

Neha J. acknowledged occasional pushback from her daughter. "As she's grown older, this arrangement sometimes disappoints her," she admitted. "We explain that it's not a matter of trust in her, but rather a decision we've made based on our comfort level."

Experts suggest that sleepunders could serve as a transitional phase. Leanza recommends starting with sleepovers at trusted relatives' homes before gradually expanding to friends' houses after thorough vetting and conversations with other parents about safety concerns.

"My advice would be for parents to be cautious but not overprotective," Leanza said. "We all want to protect our children, but we also don't want to smother them. It's all about balance."

As the sleepunder trend gains traction, it represents a delicate balance between parental protectiveness and fostering children's independence. While some view it as a departure from cherished traditions, others embrace it as a thoughtful compromise. Only time will tell if sleepunders become a widely accepted norm or a fleeting phase in the ever-changing landscape of parenthood.